What if I have nothing to offer?
Hi All. Alicia here.
I have a small reminder in the upper right hand of my whiteboard in my office that reads:
connection w/o want or need
For a long time, I believed that connection to another person meant that I had to satisfy a want or need in their life. That I had to do something to earn a connection. And I had to know the perfect timing. I expected myself to check in with someone at the exact right moment of their want or need. I believed that if I did that successfully, then I would be worthy of their friendship.
Now, they hadn't actually communicated that this is what they wanted from me. I had invented this stuff up in my head.
And when I delivered the [made up] things I believed they wanted from me, there was no moment of recognition.
It was exhausting.
And then, like it does, the inner critic crept in.
How can I have so many friends but feel so disconnected? What is wrong with me?
I couldn’t see the loop of madness because I was too close in. I valued connection to others but could not find a way to express that value and actually feel connected.
I engaged a coach three years ago to help me unearth this pattern. And develop a new way forward to build connections with others.
What I learned is that when I was busy trying to do things for others, I wasn’t being myself. I was attempting to be who other people needed me to be. And in doing so, I was getting further from the truth of who I was. I was shutting out my brilliance.
Now I am more of a leader in my relationships. I am increasingly willing to show up as I am and that is enough. There is no fine tuning needed.
For example, when I have the courage to start a conversation with what is in my heart and mind, I am rewarded. What unfolds, most of the time, is the type of connection I yearn to have in my life. And I no longer wait for the right time to share what is true for me.
I’ve seen the same magic unfold in our weekend intensives. When women share what is true for them, they attract love and support from the entire circle of women. They walk away with a network of women who see them for who they know themselves to be. They inspire me to continue doing this in my own life.
Alicia & Gina